| >There are homeless people everywhere.
>This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
>I was about to give it to him and then
>I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
>And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on.
>Why am I judging this poor bastard.
>People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they're just
going to waste it.
>Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do?
>Save it up and buy a wall unit?
>Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack?
>He's homeless.
>I walked behind this guy the other day.
>A homeless guy asked him for money.
>He looks right at the homeless guy
>and says why don't you go get a job you bum.
>People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
>This homeless guy was wearing
>his underwear outside his pants.
>Outside his pants.
>I'm guessing his resume isn't all up to date.
>I'm predicting some problems during the interview process.
>I'm pretty sure even McDonalds has a
>"underwear goes inside the pants" policy.
>Not that they enforce it really strictly,
>but technically I'm sure it is on the books. | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| | Subject: | BAM! | | Time: | 08:24 pm |
|
| WHAMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!
that's sort of how i feel the last two days have felt. like a fucking brick wall slammed directly against my face, while i was busy running as fast i could, staring up at the sky. stupid life, why did you have to catch up with me?
the plan: bank tomorrow, finish packing. spend some time crying. spend more time crying. go to ottawa. have dessert with some family members. spend the drive to the airport crying. say the (all-feared) goodbye in the airport. walk through security. wish that i never had to leave. get on plane. get off in motherfucking london. cry. meet steph cote and let her take over until i fall asleep in leicester.
i've decided not count the hours that i have left here, but instead i'm going to start to count down the days until i come home! this way, each day that passes brings me that much closer to coming home and all the things that i already miss.
anyway.
tomorrow = ciao kingston!
friday = bonjorno london!
write me. even if i don't know you. or know you well. or i don't know that you know my journal. just write me? k. thanks.
i might start to try to document my life a bit better once i'm in jolly 'ole england.
FUUUUUUUUCK. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| the sun is shining today, and it really does feel like the middle of the summer...only my calendar is marked with a big fat 11 days left. 11 days gives me a whole lot of time, but considering that i am no closer to being ready then i was 11 days ago, i am starting to feel the pressure. the suitcases are out, on the floor and slowly being filled.
yesterday the sun burned my face and legs, but i feel completely untouched by it. the day was spent happily on my bike, and the night was spent staring at stars while floating in the water. i learned about the north star, saw the big and little dippers, watched for shooting stars, saw cassiopeia and orion, and a few others that i can't remember. i wish that the sky could be that clear every night. then i had a late night drive home and a good cry.
i am going to hit up this organising and packing so that i can enjoy a bit of the day later on.
my big dilemma? how do i decide what shoes to take? how many pairs should i limit myself to? i counted the ones that i really really really feel that i need and i was at 12, and i know that's way too many. especially considering that this whole summer i may have worn 2 pairs, including my flip flops 99% of the time.
when i look into your eyes, i see something that money can't buy...sing it to me justin, and motivate me to actually get this done...it feels like something's heating up, can i leave with you? i don't know what i'm thinking 'bout, really leaving with you... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| This is my eulogy for the summer of 2004, a summer of fun, adventure, sillyness and old friends. This is my manifesto for why I don’t want to leave this city behind, in fear of what the future holds. Mostly though, this is my way of thanking a few people who made my summer what it was.
After a year spent for the most part alone, I was slightly apprehensive to have familiar faces back in town. I knew that I had conquered many of my old fears, but I also knew that the mere thought of running into old friends had me break into a heavy sweat. But I was determined not to sink back into my pit of awkwardness that had controlled my social interactions for far too many years; I was going to attack this summer head-on. And looking back on it, that’s just what I did…only with far fewer people than originally planned!
Though I know that there were nights out on the town before this, and plans hatched in a drunken stupor over pitchers of glorious beer, but the first official memory I have of the summer starting is opening my email, only to find a plea from an old friend “please dear god tell me you’re in Kingston this summer.” The thing is, I’m pretty sure that any of us that have roots in this town can understand how coming back here feels. You want so badly to come home after missing it all year, but at the same time, you know the routine. The same things happen year after year, only all the participants become less enthused and the games become more predictable. Receiving this email made me smile and laugh and excitedly get in touch with you, sarah in hopes of adding some spice to the months to follow. From there, the ball started to roll.
First came the Tuesday Night Movie Club, or TNMC. A club that started with 2 and grew to three, only to shrink to two or sometimes even one as scheduling permitted. From there, there were many trips to Toronto. Many drunken nights spent running around downtown, and maybe even more spent staring at the stars. There were camping trips close to home, and some farther away, but all spent drunk and happily in a sleeping bag, cuddled up for the night. There was the amazing trip to Winnipeg and the fun weeks that followed. There was the admission of my love of grass that came after the Unicorn’s show. There was a lot of music, and almost all of it was enjoyed. There were countless hours spent splashing in the water of various lakes and rivers and, damn it, no oceans.
All of these memories lead me to August and the tangle of limbs that it brought with it. This is when I began my countdown. I spent all too long worrying about the future and trying to ignore that it and I would eventually meet in the present. The adventures that had started in May were winding down, but conversations were just heating up. The memories I have from August aren’t the same still-frames that I have from the rest of the summer, but instead are whispers in my ear of quiet conversations that can still put a smile on my face.
I’m happy to say that this summer has helped me fall in love with the city that I had grown up to hate. Unfortunately, its untimely demise comes at a point in my life when I don’t want it to end. I have so many memories from the summer that have left me feeling warm and fuzzy inside, and not enough pictures to keep those memories alive. So goodbye verano 2004. I have enjoyed your company more than you can know, and I hope that we meet again one day, when the skies are blue and the water is warm. I will jump in, just as I always do. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| what i wouldn't give to be your man,
but i can't break up the band.
funeral for verano 04 tonight. complete with burial and tears. photos, perhaps? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| the last few days (weeks) have left me feeling the way that i hate most about myself. those days when i can't get a grip on my moods or reactions. nights that have me staring at the stars above my bed wondering about nothing and thinking about everything. the result is that during the day, all that i can do is stare at the wall and continue to sit and think. it means that memories that i wanted to make didn't happen, but at least i can go through them in my head as i'd like to think that they would have played out. i just feel like the world should bloody well know not to mess with me like this.
ak. i chickened out. i couldn't pass it over. i whispered as much as i could, but all my wonderful cliches are still in my purse, and will probably get boxed up with the rest of my life.
so i need to get a handle on my head. i need to get my ass in gear, start to put things aside that are coming with me, and ship off all the extras.
when i was in ecuador i had this stupid list of things that i was generally thankful for. i added to it as needed, and made sure that i was always in a good mood when i did, so that when the lows hit, i could open it and i was guaranteed a good smile. at the moment, i feel like writing a list of reasons why i feel shafted in life. of all the things that i wish didn't have to be, and how i would have changed it.
i have to go, i will most definitely continue my stupid ramblings later on. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| spring will chase us
through the summer into fall
and find us beached upon some snowy shore
waiting for the spring to come again.
then gingerly we'll go through jonquils
to seek out other summers.
birthday to birthday,
season to season,
every hour will be an anniversary
of the hour just past. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i want to go to the beach today.
i want to swim in the water and play in the sand!
i love this summer. i hate how much i have been sleeping recently! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| tonight was so crappy. bro, if you read this, you made it so much more bearable.
rip rip rip. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| a full house is a happy house. remember how much laughter filled the tanner family home? unfortunately (thanks jill and ak) it's all too clear in my head. even the worst quirks that people had became funny.
i feel a little sick, and i blame my lack of self-control when it comes to food that is bad for me. why, oh why do they refill those chip bowls?
luke, i would love to see you in the fall. now that my brother (<3) is back in town, we seem to be talking about england a bit more. each time it comes up my stomach wrenches a little less, so thanks for that. i guess that it's scary not to know what the fuck to do with your life, but knowing that you've set yourself on a path for at least a little while can be too. if it gets as bad as it can, i figure that i will end up right back where i am sitting, working at the marine museum and hating myself a little more, but it wouldn't be that much different than the present.
my brain hasn't worked properly for a long time. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| i am the worst at actually getting anything done. i like having fun too much to take a step back and actually complete the millions of tasks that have been piling up on me since the beginning of the summer. but i can't really hide from them for too much longer. so, i am sitting here trying to go through all my clothes and get rid of everything that's not worth keeping, for the second day in a row. today everyone is a little too cranky and a little too stressed out.
tonight i am going to sit and drink until my body refuses to accept any more alcohol. tomorrow i am going to see joel plaskett at the wolfe island music fest....still searching for a place to camp out though!
come and visit me next year. i promise that i will show you a good time, and hopefully i will have a cool friend or two that will make the trip more exciting!
next item to attack: the pile of skirts on the bed beside me. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| By the first of August
the invisible beetles began
to snore and the grass was
as tough as hemp and was
no color--no more than
the sand was a color and
we had worn our bare feet
bare since the twentieth
of June and there were times
we forgot to wind up your
alarm clock and some nights
we took our gin warm and neat
from old jelly glasses while
the sun blew out of sight
like a red picture hat and
one day I tied my hair back
with a ribbon and you said
that I looked almost like
a puritan lady and what
I remember best is that
the door to your room was
the door to mine.
the thing is. i don't want the summer to end. i want to stay and play and not care about anything. i don't want to rely on telephones and computers. and it's already been decided that beaming people around would cause the end of the world, so i don't want to wish for that. have i really erased 10 years worth of growing up? | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | my afternoon was intense. the scene: a boat. 5 people present. 3 with full sets of teeth, 2 with big gaping holes. 2 mullets. the plan? boat around, swim, drink a few beer. the result? ending up at the house of a kid i was in GRADE SEVEN with. and i haven't seen him since. one mullet telling said family that he is really trying to date me. good luck, mr. the other mullet is quite possibly the funniest man that i have ever met. words really cannot explain this past weekend. like whoa. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| ak. i feel like motherfucking second year all over again. only this time, i'm not in a res room, and you're not just down the hall for me to wake up and vent to. but i still feel the same inside!
this part of tonight IS NOT what i was a) expecting or b) wanting!!!! i can't wait for tomorrow. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| the other day a friend emailed me this quote (i HATE people who 'collect quotes, so don't go and judge me), but it was about change and how the weak fear it because it can represent the worst, but how the strong love it because they can imagine how great it can be...there was a third group, but dont make me push it. anyway, is it possible to love it on the one hand, but seriously, seriously fear it on the other? i wish that one change had happened so long ago, but i wish that the rest of my life would hold still while i go and play smart.
i also went to this place in montreal where they play 'battle' every sunday. i don't know what else to call it, other than AMAZING.
not only do i not know how to read other people, i need words written out for me on a motherfucking shirt! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| today was work-free, the best kind of day ever. i spent it trying to face september and all the changes that it will bring. i think that i have decided when i will leave. i think that i have a flight in mind. i think that i might spend the whole flight sobbing on the shoulder of my neighbour. i hope that it's a kind montherly type.
racetrack?
can't wait. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| i don't quite know what it might be. but i know that it's on the way.
i want to insert some uber lame lyrics. but i'll refrain for everyone's benefit. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| finally ready to update again.
the summer is too far gone. it seems like i am waiting through the week for the weekend fun to start, but by the time it arrives, it's over. i wish that the weekend could go on forever.
i went to see the weakerthans tonight, for the first time in a while. it was ok. i guess. i don't want to be overly critical or melodramatic, but i will say that it was not their best show that i have ever been to. surprisingly, i wasn't even a little touch nostalgiac at any of the songs. even the ones that damn near melted my heart a few years ago...or maybe fixed it up a little. anyway, it felt good not to feel emotionally ridiculous.
i just can't do any more at the moment.
work in 6 hours. beauty. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| tonight saw a strange movie. strange questions. and a strange feeling in my chest. i learned that glass legs are better to drink from than stand on.
i learned that women can be bouncers at strip clubs, though i'm not sure that it's for just anybody.
caaa-thunk. caaaaaa-thunk.
i wish that things were a little more obvious.
i wish that i were a little more brave.
i wish that i were a little more bronzed.
i wish that i would stop complaining.
i love lukas for providing me with gmail. i almost feel like it was made for me. gwyn-mail...get it?
i really can't wait for winnipeg to happen. i can't wait to explore the city through all hours of the night AND day. i'm not going to sleep for days on end! and when fatigue hits me, there will always be bowling <3
buenas noches.
ps: i am nervous as hell about next year. lets make a pact: no talking about it for just a few weeks. k?thanks. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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